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(no subject) [Jun. 22nd, 2004|12:06 pm]
[mood |hyperhyper]

well, on sunday night i went to drews new apartment and watched a movie with him. not sure whats going on there. he gave me mixed signals that i cant even explain. like every hint and body language to every feeling. hate. love. sadness. crabbyness. tiredness. blah blah...but i dont know...i stayed strong and didnt ask him what we were. i know we are friends, but friends dont exactly do what we did. at least i dont do that with friends. maybe thats where i am going wrong.

we had a soccer game last night and kicked some wright county ass. 3-0 i think it was the score was. my legs KILL. i dont know if i am going to practice tonight, just because we've had about 4 days of soccer in a row, 4 games...thats too much for me right now...somethin is going on with my legs and they need to rest.

but yeah i have to get offline, so Ta Ta!
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(no subject) [Jun. 20th, 2004|12:47 pm]
[mood |meh]

hello! i just got home from my soccer game this morning. we played wayzata...mmm...we lost..by like 4.. or more.. im not sure. it was a good game, but they were amazing. i had to just stop and watch them a few times, because they move the ball so well.

anyways, last night, i went to eric olsons grad. party and it was pretty fun. i love him. his baby pictures were the cutest ive ever seen. ever. blonde hair. CUTE! ahh. all his musical pics and whatnot. he made an effort to really talk to me and zwebs. so that was nice of him. tom was there, with brittany bogel i think...are they going out?

then we went to tim's. we pulled up as katie was leaving. god, just our cars passing makes this awkward as hell. we went in and i just didnt not want to let go of tim. i know he felt the same somewhat. i mean come on! we hadnt seen each other for like 2 weeks. thats SOOO long. we sat around and talked to him and some of his friends that i dont really know. jack mccalpin was there so that was funny. at first i didnt think he was hot at all, buut later in the night, i was thinking, hes not too bad. tim introduced me to everyone though, basically shouting my name just to embarass me. it was cute, but i turned red. said hi to johnny, tims brother. who by the way i officially have a big crush on...i have since 9th grade, when he was a senior in my german class. man, me and britta both..i got to sit by him both semesters. he was ALWAYS late. ALWAYS eating. it was GREAT. herr madden would eat his chips every morning. so yeah, i can see myself with him. hes only like exactly 3 years older than me. he turns 21 and then a month later i turn 18. so its nothing TOOOOO big. hm. we'll see. its just a fling, but i can hope right?!?!

later last night, i picked up britta and we drove around and went to noodles. talked a lot. it was a good time. ilove her. shes a great friend.

but yeah, im being yelled at to help clean because the whole family is coming over in an hour and i still havent showered...so i better go!!!

p.s. dont forget about the fathers day softball game at church tonight!!!
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(no subject) [Jun. 19th, 2004|12:52 pm]
[mood |everything mixed together]

well i woke up this morning at 6:15 for our soccer game against PSA. we kicked some major ass. 2-1. its probably the best first half we've played. then we gave up. ivan gave me a huge speech about how i should play fall soccer and i have a lot of talent. and i realize it, im not pushing myself because i dont have a goal to work for. this summer is all about fun for me. and it shouldnt be. he says all my talent cannot go to waste. and that i to work something out. i almost started crying. i want to play so badly. but i made the commitment to work. we have another game at 2:30 so i have to get going pretty quickly.. but ..

breck lost yesterday and took 2nd at state. the final score was 7-4. ryne pitched but then they put drew in. not such a good idea because his arm wwas really sore because he pitched the day before. but he did really well and hung in there. they all deserved it. it wasnt the most enjoyable game to watch. tj's mom is a fucking bitch and almost didnt let me sit with them because of stupid stuff like supersition. whatever. i havent talked to drew at all. its been like 2 weeks or more since ive actually talk to him. he knew i was there. i caught him looking up at me a few times. that hurts me because im not there to distract him. but, oh well. i'm missing him so much and its not good. i try not to. but i just cant help it. by seeing jo jo and tj...its hurts more than anyone can understand. when and if they break up...he will not be in minnesota. and it makes me feel terrible because drew and i set up tj and jo jo, but they lasted so much longer and so much stronger, than drew and i. there are SO many things i would do differently. it doesnt matter if hes leaving, i didnt need to make him my life, above all else. leaving or not, i still have my girlfriends, and god. and soccer. everything. it could have been perfect if i had balanced stuff out. maybe not, i dont know. his summer baseball starts today, hes got 2 games today, 2 tomorrow, and one every day till wednesday. its insane. but ya know...i could deal.

after my game tonight, im going to maybe call him or something. or later tonight. im going to tims graduation party, basically to say hi and bye before he goes to college because he told me it'd be likely i wont be able to see him again. :( fuck him. thats too bad. relationships/friendships have to work the same way...BOTH ways. its a two way street. and im gonna go to eric olsons grad. party. and then i dont know what.

p.s. i got the CUTEST outfit ever yesterday, and i wish it was warm enough for me to wear it! its a skirt thats BRIGHT pink, with white polka dots, and its short, and it bunches on one side, and its flowy. and its kinda swimsuit material. ahhh.. and a white shirt that the lady at guess helped me pick out to match it. lol. yeah!

well, gotta go empty the dishwasher and go to my game. love you!
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(no subject) [Jun. 18th, 2004|01:00 pm]
[mood |lonelylonely]

well, im on my way to st. cloud. call the cell. i'll be having a lonely day.
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yesterday was amazing [Jun. 18th, 2004|10:32 am]
[mood |everything mixed into one..]

yesterday was a GREAT day. it was wonderful. i drove the kids to basketball and whatnot in the morning. and they got new carpet put in, so furniture was EVERywhere. and they didnt want us home, so we went out to lunch at culvers in plymouth. and jessica called and met up with us. and then we ate, and went back to their house, and dropped ryan off, and kelly, me and jessica went to ridgedale to go shopping for kelly. next week she is going to a hollywood birthday party..so she dressed up liek reese witherspooon. sluty. pink skirt from libby lu, pink shirt was limited too., earrings from the icing...it was good. and a white fuzzy hat. and a white boa. shes so adorable. we had fun. then we went back to their house, i got paid, like 240 i think, and then 31 for gas! yeah! and then they let me leave at like 3, so jessica and i got on 494 and then 94 for like 50 minutes and went to st. cloud to watch the guys baseball game. go break!! the won their first game yesterady which was at 12:30. SOO fun. drew pitched. everyone said he did well. im sure he did. well, we got to the game and watched some other teams finish up their game. we ran into tyler which was funny. and we kinda got to stand and listen to him and this other girl talk to case. hes such a sweetie. hes always so nice to me. so then jo jo met us and we went and sat with them and after about an hour of warming up, we finally got the game started. it was like an hour late. but oh well. they were winning right away. for the first 3 innings though, it was 3 outs, 3 outs, 3 outs...no one was hitting. it was insane. but the breck stepped it up..drew got another home run. 8th this year. hell yeah. he played awesome. they all did. they won like 9-2 or something. or
9-1. it was the best day ever. it was like a road trip up there with jj. we talked abotu stuff. it was a good time. i love her so much for going with me. like no one gets how much it means to me that im there. its my way of trying to show i care. maybe its strange. sometimes i think about it, and im not even there for HIM. im there for the team. tj. case. their catcher number 9. :) david tompson. all the guys i know and recognize. i enjoy it for them. its so exciting. its what they've worked for all year. they deserve it. and it makes me sooooo happy to see them. i dont know why. its so werid. its just baseball. but anyways.... the dilema begins now...there is another game today. i think its for 1st and 2nd. im not postitive. but jj's boyfriend bobby is coming home from england today, so she cant go with me. and i dont think she would want to anyways. and jo jo is going with TJ's parents, and for some reason cant take me along with them. i was crying earlier because i am so jealous or her. its not good. i was the baseball girlfriend. and now she is. shes doing everything i should be doing. and she doesnt seem to care about me whatsoever anymore. since when do friends pick their boyfriends parents over other friends? i dunno. thats fucked to me. life will go on if i dont go. but still..its a big game it'd be so fun. im willing to drive. no one wants to drive for an hour to a boring baseball game, but i do. its more to me that just a car ride and a stupid baseball game. its so much fun. the excitement the guys show. the dancing on the field and singing in the dugout. its amazing. i miss drew more than ever if you cant tell. i dont even know if anyone reads this. im just writing for the hell of it...but yeah, thats my story. i'm desperate to ride with anyone. im gonna try and work something out. the game isnt till 5 but i kinda want to leave early and go shop in albertville. beat traffic. i dont know. i'm gonna be upset if i dont go. be ready for me to be upset. cuz it will come.

someone call me if you want to go. blah. blah. blah. fuck. fuck. fuck.
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(no subject) [Jun. 16th, 2004|09:51 pm]
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

life is hectic. i'm really worn out and tired. things just havent been going my way lately. jessica and britta confronted me about having a social anxiety disorder and depression. and i know they are right. i dont know how to handle it though. a doctor is a hassle. i'm scared. and dont know what to do. i've been feeling like shit for too long..and i know its not pms. i dont feel like posting it to everyone on here, but not many people read this anyways. HHhhMMMmmm..i pray i can go to the state baseball games tomorrow...fuck...i have to get off early...and drive to st. cloud. i hope jessica still wants to. i owe her BIG time if she goes with me. thats so sweet. i love you GIRLFRIEND! i'm going to bed. im so tired. someone call the cell tomorrow. and tim, if you read this...still miss you. whether or not you care. which you dont... good night
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summer time! [Jun. 13th, 2004|11:13 am]
[mood |bouncybouncy]

yesterday was insane. too much drama with jessica, katie k, katie w, chelsea, amanda, krista...and who knows who else. hung out with a bunch of girls, it was crazy. katie katie liz perkins jj britta chelsea me...too many girls..hahaha..it was a good time though. yesterday was so gorgeous! i wanted to go out on the lake sooo badly! but we couldnt find anyone with a boat. haha. im gonna get tyler to take me out sometime this week.

my heart is breaking more and more. i miss tim so much. i have been crying all morning. i dont know why. i was reading some old emails i guess. so many i write to him, and he doesnt write back. i knwo he hasnt been online, but even before, when he was online. ive called him and he hasnt called back. i'll probably see him at church, but katie will prolly be there. so whats the point of even talkign to him? and thats fine. i understand. people dont think i understand, but i do.

i might be hanging out with joe tonight. i might chicken out. whenever i wanna see him, hes out. and whenever he has time for me, i'm not in the mood. sometimes i just dont wanna be about shit he does and lives by. he gives me a feeling of security. i can be sweet to him and he appreciates it. im so vulnerable and i think i just want to be needed. because thats what i like.

i also might go clubbing with britta and jj and anyone else. i wanna hang out with katie k. so who knows. well. i have to go. time to lay out in the sun.

*still heartbroken*
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(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2004|12:51 pm]
i'm so sick of feeling so sad and depressed. *sigh*
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(no subject) [Jun. 9th, 2004|07:25 am]
[mood |crankycranky]

yay for rainy days!!! i'm pretty happy today even though i slept like shit last night. i should go get ready to go nanny but meh. wayzatas graduation was last night. :tears: and im getting scared for jojo because tj is leaving really soon. i forgot when. hes so far away. i dont know what to do or think about it.

today is kellys birthday, so happy birthday. even though she doesnt read this. haha. i was invited to annas house for a bonfire and little party. not sure im going. that was nice they actually remembered i used to be kellys best friend, and their friend too. at least im not completely forgotten. they just dont ever want to hang out with me...whatever...anyways..i should go now..

please call my cell phone today cuz im gonna be so bored. 952.412.8204....and if you want to go to a movie with us, even better!
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(no subject) [Jun. 8th, 2004|08:09 pm]
[mood |weirdweird]

geez, life has been just up and down lately. happy. sad. happy. sad. happy. mad. depressed. excited. its all a blur. to sum things up...

yesterday-intro day with the nannying family..went well..had soccer game...they are #2, and we beat them 4-1. i scored. with an assist by jessica jones. woo. it was amazing. i was sooo out of it though. didnt deserve the goal. but heck thats 3 goals in 4 games. not bad. but, i did lose my baby blue soccer ball. looked every where after our game.the coaches helped me look, didnt find it. maybe someone took it for me. who knows. i wanted to cry. i just got it. it was so nice. so new. so mine. oh well. i'll have money to buy a new one i guess. or i can use ivans for the season i guess. i'm positive i cant play fall. which makes me want to cry and rip my hair out. 3 practices a day or not. varsity is my life goal. its what has kept myself from cutting or killing myself when im down. its the one thing i had to do. but its no longer happening. so i need a new reason for life. so i'll find something! ahaha.

today was the first full day of work. it was...good..it was nannying...it was boring in the morning. i had to drive the boy, ryan, to basketball camp at benilde. we just stayed out there and went to target and waited around, but tomorrow kelly will probably stay home, and i probably wont stay there. so yeah..then i made frozen pizza for lunch, and then ryan had a friend over, so they played playstation for the hour limit he has..and kelly and i played guess who and battle ship outside in the sun, and i have a massive, nasty, farmers tan on ONE arm. ahaha. i'm going to get rid of it. haha. then kelly rode her bike to a friends house, and then i sat outside and read my book, and then...they came back and i blew up their new slipe n slide. hard work. lots of air. ahh. it ended up being broken, a tube or soemthing..it was a special edition..nevermind...but kelly, kate, robbie, and ryan, all went thru it for a while. it was funny to watch. the water was FREEEZING. ha. then the friends left and we hung out. it was a good time. tomorrow i think we will get home after basketball camp, have lunch..not sure..sanwiches?..and then try and go to a movie. maybe they can each bring a friend. i want to see harry potter, i'm sure they will too.

drews baseball tea (breck, haha) played a double header today, and the deal was if they won 1 out of 2, they play again thursday, and if they win 2/2 they go to state. well fuck yeah they are going to state. they won both games. i CANT WAIT. drews gotta be soooo happy. and the state games arent till a week from friday. so hes got time to rest that precious arm of his.hehe.

germany meeting at church tonight. world youth day.im almost positive i'm going. lisa was there. she said goodbye to me. thank you.

thats all. i havent talked to tim since forever. :( nothing i can do. good night.
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